Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk For Suicide
Writer, sister Seattle-dweller, and Facebook friend, Maureen McCauley Evans wrote the above piece. I laud her efforts, and like her, I mourn the continued tally of adoptees who take their own lives. I heard just last week of a woman who is looking for her father’s birth family. He – the adoptee – started a search years ago, but killed himself before completion. She did not give a reason for the suicide; in fact she never mentioned it. I discovered it as a small footnote.
But unlike Maureen – who is an adoptive mother – I can understand the phenomenon because I have an inside track. I am an adoptee and I have pondered suicide. Because it bothers people (to put it mildly), it’s not something I talk about among friends or loved ones. Instead I only vaguely allude to it on occasion. If adoptees are anything, we are considerate of others’ feelings.
So…Why. Maureen makes a good case. But I feel I hit upon the reason almost accidentally in my most-read blog post: Adoptee Suicide.
We weren’t born, so death is of no consequence.
There is a certain detachment to adoption. Being “chosen” rather than “born to” does it. Because we did not arrive by natural means, and so much mystery (or outright lies) are our baggage, we often feel not only that we do not fit in, but that we are disposable. That’s the thing about being chosen, you can be unchosen. And some adoptees aren’t going to wait for the dismissal, they are going to finally take control of their life by ending it.
It’s not selfish, or punishing loved ones, or “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” It’s opting out. It is protecting family and friends from something worse.
I am not glorifying death or saying it does not leave a devastating wake. I’m saying I understand it. And before anyone calls a suicide prevention line on my behalf, don’t worry – I have way too much to do to quit right now.
Elle Cuardaigh is author of The Tangled Red Thread and contributor to The Adoptee Survival Guide
elle cuardaigh 
Thank you, Elle. This is the best, clearest and most sensible explanation I have ever heard. It just “feels” so right! Thank you. As the MOTHER of an adoptee who suicided at 27. I thank you. I feel closer to her than ever before because you have brought me understanding in a new light.
I recently wrote of great concern about the perpetuation of the disconnect of humankind of which you you speak:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mirah-riben/are-parents-disposable-an_b_8044786.html
(((Mirah))) I’m so sorry for your loss. I do not have adequate words to express myself. ~Elle
Your written words are far more than’adequate.” I cannot express how meaningful this post was for me. (I hope you will read the post I provided a link to.)
Profound statement. “We weren’t born, so death is of no consequence.”
Here is my long version of my quote from the attached link. https://pamelakaranova.com/2022/01/10/100-heartfelt-adoptee-quotes-that-honor-the-truth-of-adoption/
As an infant closed adoptee I have had not just a overwhelming sense of loss my whole life but a fear and dread of it. This is not just for the big things in life but most everything. At over 50 years old now I still remember losing the stupid little toys that came in the cereal boxes. One time I had a baseball hat blow out the window of a car I was in on the way to the zoo with a friend. This was like 2nd or 3rd grade. I had a full toddler like crying meltdown. This fear of loss is not just for things. Missing events or activities feels like I lost something major in my life. This feeling went away for a short time after meeting 2 of my half sisters from my natural father spring 2021. But it has slowly crept back and is almost all the back up to the level it has always been just 9 months later. I feel like I have never been where and with who I should of been. I still do not know myself and I have a big personality. I hate birthdays (mine). I used to love my got ya day (4th of July) but it has become a source of serious anguish as well. If someone I cared about was getting into a serious relationship with someone that was adopted I would suggest they get out of it! For I know how damaged many if not most of us are. For most of my life was pro life. Partially because of being adopted. In just the past few years I now wish I was aborted because of the life long pain in my soul that seems to get worse and not better. I feel these issues regarding adoption are something we will never “get over” if we are lucky we can learn to live with them. Many of us decide we no longer do want to live with it and put a end to it ourselves.
A.J. Sanderell Ohio