Not only are we terrified of grief, we deny there is a reason for it. We deny the existence of trauma and loss.
Grief. We are just terrified of grief. “It’s not grief that’s the problem,” a wise colleague noticed. “It’s everything that gets in the way of the grief getting expressed.” I see this truth everywhere.
There is so much grief in adoption and we seem obsessed as a culture to avoid spending any time being with grief. We ignore it, stuff it inside, refuse to speak about it. It festers and grows, and we stuff it even further.
Why? What is so scary about grief?
The losses in adoption are overwhelming.
Suffering is the distance between expectation and reality. Nobody expects adoption. Adopted children don’t expect adoption. Birthfamilies don’t expect adoption. Adoptive families may expect adoption- but there is almost inevitable a huge difference between their expectations for adoptive parenting and their realities.
When there is distance between expectation and reality, there is suffering. There is grief.
Grief isn’t well tolerated…
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