*Adoption, meaning the current concept of it in the Western world. The complete legal severing of the natural relationship between child and parent(s), replacing the original family and (sometimes) culture with another, including changing the child’s identity and sealing the original records, keeping information from everyone involved.

It started with this gem, a comment on a thread about being surprised by DNA results. A set of siblings had discovered they were not related and in fact adopted:

“Bright side, two people chose very deliberately to adopt them as they were and raise them as their own and that’s beautiful.” 

I pointed out that it’s not beautiful to lie to someone their entire life about their very origins, and to try substituting “abduct” for “adopt” and to see if they felt the same. I didn’t even get into the “as they were” slight – as if they were defective – or the false “chosen” narrative.

This was met with, “Don’t speak for all adoptees!” – “I’m adopted and I’m happy about it!” – “I’m sorry you had a bad experience, but you’re wrong.”

It was pointless to continue there. So I will ask here:

If adoption is beautiful…

• Why do people lie about it?
• Why isn’t it the first choice for couples who want children?
• Why has it been this way for less than one hundred years?
• Why doesn’t everyone give up a baby to someone who can’t have one?
• Why does rehoming not only happen but is completely legal?
• Why does Biblical scripture have to be twisted in order to justify it?
• Why does the Quran condemn it?
• Why isn’t it done this way all over the world?
• Why are people in other countries horrified when they learn what adoption means here?
• Why have several “sending” countries banned international adoption?
• Why are adoption agencies being sued or forcibly shut down?
• Why do adoptees turn to DNA testing to avoid dating a sibling?
• Why is family medical history still the first question asked at doctor appointments?
• Why are records kept from the very people they pertain to?
• Why is a court order needed to see the records?
• Why are adoptees terrified to ask their adopted parents questions about it?
• Why do adopted parents swear their families to secrecy?
• Why did the Catholic church get rich off its corruption?
• Why is coercion routinely employed to get “birth mothers” to relinquish?
• Why are there consistently over 100,000 eligible children waiting years for “their forever families”?
• Why do white children cost more than black children?
• Why is it okay to think of children as commodities as in the above question?
• Why do the American Adoption Congress, Adoptee’s Liberty Movement Association, Bastard Nation, Concerned United Birthparents, and numerous other organizations like them exist?
• Why do so many adoptees search?
• Why did the Australian government officially apologize for its role in it?
• Why are adoptees who are murdered by their adopted parents still considered “lucky”?
• Why were adoptees used for medical and psychological experiments?
• Why are adoptees the punchline of jokes?
• Why is it recognized as a childhood trauma?
• Why are adoptees considered “as if born to” their adoptive family, yet are subject to conditional terms for incest?
• Why in cases where the baby goes back to the natural mother is it called “failure”?
• Why are teen adoptees overrepresented in mental health services?
• Why do so many rely on it as an industry for their paycheck?
• Why is it patterned after the system Georgia Tann – a known kidnapper, trafficker, child killer, and pedophile – developed?
• Why is it used as a tool of war and cultural genocide?
• Why can’t all adoptees get a passport? Why are others deported?
• Why are adoptees four times more likely than the non-adopted to attempt suicide?
• Why can’t we have this conversation?

Why can’t we have this conversation?

Elle Cuardaigh is author of The Tangled Red Thread.