I reside in the Land of Lattes, otherwise known as Seattle, Washington. The birthplace of Starbucks and other fine coffee establishments. As I write this, I am drinking my home-brewed Starbucks French Roast and watching the morning news, where, amongst the usual headlines, is The Christmas Cup Controversy.

Really, how could I not comment on this? Let me clear up a few things for the douchebag who started this nonsense:

1. There is no “War on Christmas” except in your feeble mind. Stop watching FOX news. You’re making other Christians look stupid.

2. Red is a Christmas color. So is green. You will notice the Starbucks logo is green. Add red and voila! CHRISTMAS.

3. It’s not even Veteran’s Day and you’re bitching about the big meanies taking Christ out of Christmas. Show some respect for our veterans, who fought and died so idiots like you can complain about coffee cups.

4. I hope you’re sitting down for this one, but Jesus did not have a Christmas tree. Or reindeer. Or snow. He was also not born in December. The Three Wise Men did not visit when he was a newborn. Nothing you celebrate at Christmas is based on the actual birth of Jesus. It is a repurposed pagan holiday. Most people are okay with that. Maybe you should switch to decaf until after New Years to help get through the shock.

5. If you tell a barista your name is “Merry Christmas” and you actually get that written on your cup, I guarantee you are being served by a newbie. Everyone knows part of barista training is “How To Alleviate Boredom By Deliberately Mishearing Your Customer’s Name.” Come to Seattle and try that trick, Mary Kris-mess.

I had chalked it up to another hyped Evil Corporate Conspiracy / Guns For Jesus story, then the above meme happened. Then I was actually pissed. So let me clear up a few more things while we’re here:

~ Most kids in foster care are not orphans. They have living parents.

~ They were taken from their parents, either rightly or not, and are not “languishing” in an orphanage and pining away for a new mommy and daddy.

~ If every actual orphan in the world was adopted, they would still be orphans. 

~ Reducing the act of adoption to a simple decision, and doing it to be a good Christian rather than a parent, is playing savior and expecting salvation through works rather than faith.

Then, just when I had about given up hope, this one happened:

If you want to keep Christ in Christmas, help parents who are at risk of losing their children due to poverty. Prevent “paper orphans” by mentoring and giving freely of your time and resources. Give to shelters, food banks, and charities that keep families together. Remember, Jesus never separated a child from their family.

And for crying out loud, find something more important to bitch about.

Elle Cuardaigh is author of The Tangled Red Thread and contributor to The Adoptee Survival Guide

email: ellecuardaigh@gmail.com

twitter: @ElleCuardaigh